


Dear Harry...

by Coldfeetonthekitchenfloor



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Agony, Alone, Angst, Confusion, Hurt, Love, M/M, Miss, Need, Pain, Want, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-01-27 19:18:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 6,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1719650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coldfeetonthekitchenfloor/pseuds/Coldfeetonthekitchenfloor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can't run from the inevitable and I guess this was inevitable but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I couldn't see him, talk to him or even ask about him. What I could do was write, so I wrote him letters. Letters that had my heart and soul into each and every one, hoping that he would feel the love through the paper. Because that boy deserves the world and I could no longer give it to him. However, I could give him this and so the words I gave to him, no matter how inadequate they were, are my gift to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

Dear Harry,

It's been 3 days. 3 is nothing I suppose. We've been three days without seeing each other or speaking before but this is different. They won't let me talk to you. I know I shouldn't try but I couldn't even if I wanted to. It's been 3 days and I miss you. I know we decided this Harry and it's for the best but I don't know if I can do this. Liam suggested that I write you letters. Said that he can't bring back a reply but he can deliver them to you. I suppose it's better than nothing. At first I didn't want to write to you because sometimes words are so pitifully inadequate and I know this but I have to try. So here I am spilling my thoughts onto paper for you Harry. I never thought we would end up like this. 

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	2. 2

Dear Harry

It's been 10 days. I went to see my therapist last week. She's not much help. She gave me a book, a diary. I fingered the cover gently. Then raised an eyebrow at her. "I want you to write your thoughts in it for a week." "At least one thought an hour" she told me. I nodded. That won't be hard I thought. But I was completely wrong Harry. The first day of my book read this:

Monday

10.00 AM:  
~why?

11.00 AM:  
~ breakfast- not hungry. Don't think I'm going to eat this. 

12.00 PM:  
~Tea- my favourite mug. I almost used his.

1.00 PM:  
~ Lunch- ham sandwich. Nothing special.

2.00 PM:  
~T.V- Americas top model. This is awful, why am I watching this? It passes time I suppose.

3.00 PM:  
~Liam's here. What did I do to deserve him?

4.00 PM:  
~ Liam says I'm doing better. Im not I've just got better at hiding it.

5.00 PM:  
~Liam's gone home. My house is so empty.

6.00 PM:  
~don't think of him. Don't think of him. DON'T! Find something to take your mind off him.

7.00 PM:  
~ I've made dinner. The only thing I can make. The thing he taught me. Chicken stuffed with cheese, wrapped with bacon.

8.00 PM:  
~ A boy once told me, if everything else fails, get in the shower.

9.00 PM:  
~ I showered until the water went cold. I couldn't even feel it

10.00 PM:  
~ I might as well sleep I have nothing else to do.

11.00 PM:  
~ 

12.00 AM:  
~

1.00 AM:  
~why am I still awake?

2.00 AM:  
~ Harry 

When I gave it back to her today she told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told her I did but writing your name repeatedly each hour wouldn't help me. Though I try to get you out of my mind, truth is I got lost without you and since then........well

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	3. 3

Dear Harry,

It's been 14 days. In the back of my mind I wish you would respond. I miss talking to you. I miss everything. Maybe it's because you are the only comfort I know. You were always my safety net. Maybe that's why it hurts so much to leave you and maybe that's why sometimes I almost give up and come back. But then I take a step back and realise no. We made the right decision and I'm being selfish. I'm scared. So fucking scared. They say that every time you remember something your brain changes something in the memory. That scares me because that's the biggest thing left of you that I have. If I lose the memories then all I'll be left with is some songs and a few pictures. I'm afraid of forgetting you Harry. Forgetting your smile, your voice, your hugs, your curly hair, the way you walk, the things you used to say, your smell. I'm scared that I will forget the way your lips felt against mine, your green eyes, the sound of your heart beat when I fell asleep on your chest, your dimples, the beautiful sound of your laugh. The way your hand felt entwined with mine. I'm scared that the boy I know better than I know myself will just turn into someone I knew.

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis   
Xx


	4. 4

Dear Harry, 

It's been 16 days. 16 days of missing you. I turned up at the recording studio with hope today. Only to be crushed when there was only three faces in there looking guiltily at me. I looked at each face in turn and nodded. Of course you weren't there. It was quiet for us, we don't work as a four. One direction has five members. When he caught me looking at the empty chair next to him Niall put his arm around my shoulder and said "we recorded his bit yesterday." I couldn't trust my voice so I nodded. Niall saw straight through me though and tried to make me laugh for the rest of the time that we were there. Zayn didn't say much, he just watched me, taking things in like he always does. He was checking I was doing ok, seeing how I reacted to things without you there. Before we left and Liam muttered a "it will get better mate" Zayn looked at the floor he knew as well as I did that this was only going to get worse. Zayn was the only one who saw through my facade really. I laughed when I was supposed to, although it was forced and smiled when appropriate, although it didn't reach my eyes. It slipped a little when I was given the piece of paper with the new song lyrics on. I knew before it was even mentioned that you had written it. How comes your always the only one who knows what I'm feeling all of the time? The song is perfect. Did you do it on purpose? Make the beginning sound like more than this? Because I always told you that that was my favourite song. You used a line from a letter I sent you. You got it spot on Harry. I'm half a heart without you. 

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	5. 5

Dear Harry,

I was at the cafe. Our cafe. The one that we used to go to when we couldn't sleep. The one we went to to eat ice cream at 2 in the morning even in the winter because you always insisted that ice cream tastes better when it's cold outside. The owner who always used to talk to us was here. I still don't know her name but I can't quite bring myself to break our game of trying to find out what it was without asking her outright. Do you know what she said when I walked in? She said "Louis! How are you? Where's Harry?". I smiled but it slipped when she said your name. She must have noticed as her expression changed to one of a concerned grandmother. I didn't have to say anything, she just pulled me into a hug and sat me down at our usual table in the corner. I sat down in the familiar booth as she went off to get me a hot chocolate. She sat with me and we had a talk whilst I sipped at the warm beverage that I should have been sharing with you. "Whatever has happened between the two of you is nothing you can't sort out, I promise you." She said putting her warm hand on top of my cold one. I shook my head a sad smile on my face. "Haven't seen him in three weeks" I told her. She tutted and made me look at her "Louis, do you know that in my 52 years I've never seen a pair like the two of you. It's strange, but in a good way. Your aware of each other absent mindedly. He moves to the right slightly, you step so that your sides are touching again. It's like your connected, two puzzle pieces. You complete each other. When your not together your rough edges but when together your whole. I've never seen love like that before. I think your connected at the heart and it doesn't matter what you do or who you are or where you live, there are no boundaries or barriers you're destined to be together. You're soul mates." I couldn't reply to that. 

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis   
Xx


	6. 6

Soul mate

Noun: soul-mate

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.The one person who can always make you smile, who shares your hopes and dreams, who makes you whole. You already know them, feel who they are. Then you speak and realize this is the most amazing person you have ever met and you feel unnaturally comfortable with them. Days filled with laughter. Even if you are sitting next to each other, touching each other, it still feels like they are miles away because that person could never be close enough yet at the same time it feels like you are melting together and your spirits are dancing. Folklore claims that when a soul decends to earth it splits in two, each half of the soul inhabiting a seperate body. These two people are forever after 'soulmates,' and will never be complete until they find one another.

Will we ever be complete again?

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis   
Xx


	7. 7

Dear Harry,

When did I start talking about you in past tense? Is that what you are now? Part of my past? Each night I put my head in my pillow and I tell myself that I'm strong because I've gone another day without you. I tried to get drunk Harry. I've heard that you did that a long time ago, a week after it happened. I wondered if it helped. If it made you forget for a while. I drunk to forget your name that was forever on the tip of my tongue. I ended up forgetting mine first. These letters were supposed to be a sort of goodbye. How do you say goodbye to the person who you cannot live without? Do you know what hurts the most? When I told you forever, I meant it. I was gonna give you my forever. When I used to picture forever, it was always with the same boy. You Harry. In my dreams, my future was set. A sure thing. This isn’t the way I’d pictured it…  
If I had known that that was going to be the last time we kissed I would have kissed you harder and made sure that I stained my lips with the taste of yours. I miss you.

 

I'm sorry Harry

Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	8. 8

Dear Harry,

I dreamt of you last night. We talked again. Like we used to. You were beside me, looking like the most beautiful thing on earth. We laid there whispering, late at night. Spoke honest words, hushed breaths. But then I woke up. My face wet with tears and the dream was gone, just like you were gone. Have been for just over a month now. I didn't get to tell you what I wanted to, but just being there with you was enough. It was still dark and although it wasn't real I still woke up breathless. The worst thing about having you in my dreams is facing the fact that you won't be there when I wake up. I guess that's why I woke up crying, the other side of my bed was cold, empty. My hand was clenched around empty sheets instead of your hand and I was alone. I kept the light on the rest of the night. I didn't want to fall back to sleep. I didn't want see you disappear again, fade away. So I couldn't decide, I can't decide. Is that a dream or is it a nightmare? 

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	9. 9

Dear Harry,

I've tried being strong. I really have. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up for. I've held it together because I know it's the right thing to do. I have to stay strong. For you, for my mum who hasn't stopped calling me, for the boys. I was scared of breaking but I don't think I am anymore because the truth is I am already broken. I'm just scared that I won't be able to put the pieces back together by myself. Is this gonna get any easier? I asked you that once before. When the rumours were at their worst. You shrugged and said "no body said it was easy" and I had smiled and sung back to you "no one ever said it would be this hard" you smiled but hugged me tight, could see straight through my brave face. The words rung true. Liam comes to see me every single day and I guess he does the same for you. How else would you get these letters? Do you get these or does Liam just pretend to give them to you? To try and make me feel better. I hope you get them. I haven't asked him about you and he doesn't say anything you. That's how it goes. It's as if pretending you don't exist will make it better. It makes it worse. Makes it 10 times more obvious that your missing. Do you remember way back? In our video diaries when we used to sit on those stairs? Because I do, as if it were yesterday. We explained who played which role in the band. You said I was the leader, because it was the only one left. But do you know what? I think you were our leader Harry. I know your still here, still in the band, but when it's just me and the boys it's not right. It will never be right. 

 

I'm sorry Harry

Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	10. 10

Dear Harry, 

Hazzy, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. Zayn came to see me today. He told me that Liam wants me to get out of the house. I barely go out anymore. I don't want to. I made small talk for a while but Zayn knew, he always knows. The only person I wanted to talk to was you. He interrupted my comment on the weather with "Lou, he's not doing good." I was silent then. Zayn watched me, waiting for my reaction. I looked down at my lap and nodded. He sighed and pulled me into a hug. Why does that always make it worse? I could hold it together if no one brought it up but the second someone cares about us, I break down. I couldn't stop the tears, I tried. "I don't think your letters are helping Harry" he had said to me. I froze when he spoke your name. I haven't said your name out loud for a month and 5 days. I haven't heard anyone else say it either. He said sometimes you would read the letter and lock himself in your bedroom for hours and when you came out your eyes were red, swollen. You had been crying. I'm sorry Harry. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. Maybe these aren't helping you but I can't seem to stop writing them. I don't want you to cry. Do that for me yeah? Don't cry. Zayn said you talked to him, told him that your hurting, that you can bear the pain that it causes you but the fact that it's hurting me is killing you. Don't worry about me Haz, I'm alright. I'll be ok in the end, if it's not ok then it's not the end. You and I are going to be okay, you know that right? I don't know what I'd do without Zayn. He deserves a medal that boy. Always knows the right thing to say.

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	11. 11

Dear Harry,

I had a fight with Liam. He told me he couldn't give you my letters for a few days. He was going away with Danielle. I don't know why but I flipped. I shouldn't have it wasn't his fault. I need this Harry. Without it there's nothing. I'll be on my own. It's kinda strange. I'm surrounded by people constantly. All the time. Fans, security, the boys, family. But I've never felt so alone. I need you. The letters give me something to hold on to. Before Liam stormed out he turned and looked at me. He had a look in his eyes that I had never seen before. "Let him go!" He said then walked out slamming the door behind him. I'm not ready to let go, because then I'll never know what I could be missing. I miss you way too much but when do I give up what I've been wishing for? I don't think I could let you go, even if I wanted to. You'll always be in my Heart, Harry. Your not going to get this for a while. I don't even know if you will ever get it now. I messed up. Again.

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	12. 12

Dear Harry,

Niall turned up yesterday. Told me that Liam says he's sorry and that Niall had to take my letters to you. Niall didn't question them, he just sat with me all day on the sofa. We didn't speak much and I was glad for that. We watched Netflix for hours, he hugged me and wouldn't let go, told me he was trying to fix me. So we stayed like that until I fell asleep. It was the best sleep I've had in months and I'm grateful for that. When I woke up he was gone but left a note saying he would be back to tomorrow/today to get another letter. How can anyone not love Niall. I hope your doing well Harry, haven't been telling too many awful jokes have you? I'd do anything to be able to hear one. This is such a one way conversation. I think I'm going to cook myself some dinner tonight,I'll probably end up cooking for Niall too. I've got to go. 

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	13. 13

Dear Harry,

I saw you today. We stood there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything. You know don't you? That I love you. I never told you those words. I love you longer and truer than I have loved anyone in my life and I probably won't love anyone this way again. Which to be honest is almost a relief. I was taught that love is free. Or maybe I wasn’t taught that exactly, but it’s what I gathered. I was always under the impression that it should be given without wanting something in return, received with an open heart and respected for all eternity. Though I couldn’t put those words to it when I was younger, that is how I felt.  
I should have told you that today. I had the chance. But I let the moment pass, hoping my eyes would tell you everything. The way you looked at me killed me. I'd never seen you look at me like that before. You looked good Harry. Not all disheveled like me. Then Paul was at your side, wide eyed and tugging you away. I was the first to look away and when I did a broken half whimper escaped your lips. I got one last look at your curls before you were gone out of sight. I could feel my insides sink. My knees too. So I sat on the ground, against the wall, letting it support me. I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like. I thought heartbreak was me, standing alone at prom, the only gay guy. That was nothing. This, this was heartbreak. The pain in your chest, the ache behind your eyes. The knowing that things will never be the same again. I thought I knew love, I thought I knew real pain, but I don’t. I don’t know anything.

I'm sorry Harry   
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	14. 14

Dear Harry, 

Subject for today- change  
I hate it. Why must things change? Things must change in order for the world to keep turning, I know. If the trees didn't lose their leaves and if the grass was never frosted over then we wouldn't get winter and if the snow never went away and if the cool winters air never warmed we would never get spring, I get it. But why do people have to change? Why did we have to change? Niall updated me with what had been going on. He got a bit carried away. Wouldn't stop talking. Said you had a new tattoo. An anchor, the same place as my rope. Has that got some sort of meaning? That was my first thought. The second was that you already had a tattoo there. "I can't change" it said. Did you cover it Harry? Maybe you decided that you can change. Maybe you have changed. I know I have. I want you to know that as we grow older, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change. . . I will always be in love with you.

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	15. 15

Dear Harry,

I was on twitter today for the first time since it happened. I couldn't stand it. Almost everyone I follow is a fan account. Every time I opened a picture it was your smiling face looking at me. I guess it was the universe punishing me. I came across some of you that were taken a few days ago. Harry, I hope your not doing too bad. You look tired and you've lost weight. Please look after yourself Harry. I can't be there to look after you anymore. I came across a tweet "I love you too" it said. It was dated the day I sent your most recent letter. So you read it? I wasn't sure that you were even getting these. I signed off twitter then. Don't be upset that we never told each other face to face because we knew right? I knew you loved me. I just wish I hadn't have wasted all that time. I was scared of falling in love with you Harry, so once people started saying things, that me and you were closer than the other boys, that we were more than friends, I panicked. You were only 16. I didn't know you were gay. Well of course I didn't. You didn't even know you were. I distanced myself from you. I was the one that accepted the fake girlfriend to stop the rumours. But I couldn't do it. How do you look at the person your falling for and say that your just friends? You made it so hard for me to push you away. It's not your fault, please don't think it was your fault. I just loved you too much. I do love you too much. So I let myself fall for you in the end. It was great, me and you. But all that time in the beginning was wasted. We took it so slowly and now I wish I could get every second of those wasted minutes back. 

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything will make sense in the next chapter, I promise x


	16. 16

Dear Harry,

Do you remember when we found out? We could have ran away if we knew that was our last day. I would have held you all night and told you I love you until the sun came up and we would have had to say goodbye. But instead we kissed goodnight and you drove off to your house. Then that night when I was all cosy in bed I got the call. It was you of course and I smiled at the image of you that came up every time you rang me. I answered and froze at your voice. "Louis" was all you said and I could tell something was wrong. Your voice was croaky and dry and the way you said my name will be forever stuck on replay in my mind.   
I had asked you what was wrong and that was when my life was torn apart. You told me that management had rang you minutes before you called me. You said you were told how if we wanted to stay a band then me and you couldn't see or talk to each other anymore. I shook my head violently even though you couldn't see me. You explained how there was going to be no more tours, no more live performances, no more signings or meet and greets. We couldn't text, phone, email or contact each other because of the way the fans could find stuff (I understand that, I mean come on they somehow managed to hack into Zayn's microphone). And how we had to record our parts in songs separately. You said how if we disagreed then we would be dropped by our label and given a bad name. I told you that you must have got it wrong and that they can't do that. And you whimpered out "Louis, would I lie to you?" And the tears dripped from my eyes. "Why?" I had asked you. You don't normally swear or talk about anyone badly but you said "because they are homophobic assholes." You said "they've been telling me to keep my distance from you for months but I refused. Why should I have to stay away from you Louis?" I agreed and we spent the evening talking on the phone in sniffling whispers. We didn't really have a choice did we? It was either stop being a band or be together. We couldn't do that to the boys we couldn't ruin their careers. That was the last time I heard your voice. "Louis?" You said slowly, tiredly. "Harry?" I replied in the same tone. You never answered. I fell asleep to your slow deep breaths. I still wonder what you were going to say.

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that makes sense, it made much more sense in my head but there we go. It's hard to get across but Louis is sorry because he blames himself for it even though it wasn't his fault xx


	17. 17

Dear Harry,

I need you. I need you here right now. I need to here your voice, I need to see your eyes, I need your arms around me, holding me tight. I need your hands stroking my hair telling me it's going to be alright. I need to see you. It's 3 am and I'm trying to change my mind. I'm worried I'm gonna break Harry. I'm scared I'm gonna come running to you. I can't do that to the boys. Don't let me. I need to lay next to you, listen to your music, hold your hand, talk about everything and anything, see your smile, give you kisses on your cheek because I know you like those. I need you to run your hands up my sides and pull me close so that I can fall asleep in your arms knowing that in that moment everything is going to be ok. But your not here next to me, I'm here and you're there. I've tried to sleep, I really have but it's hard when every time I close my eyes your there. I don't know if that's a blessing or a curse. Sleeping is what got me here anyway. I woke up at 2 and rolled over in my bed. I reached out for you but you weren't there. I was alone. 

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	18. 18

Dear Harry, 

I'm sorry if my last letter worried you, I'm ok. Well as ok as I can be. Do you know what I hate? Silence. I'm told I'm quite a loud person, I know I am. Never could manage to shut up. The thing is, you were like my music Harry, the melody that I worked on. I didn't work that out back then but suddenly my world stopped singing and I couldn't work out why. I know now, of course. The song has stopped and so so has my words, how do you sing with no music? Your the song my heart was beating to. You see, everything you did was my soundtrack, when I fell asleep on your chest, your heartbeat lulling me to sleep, the sound of your laugh, your real laugh, the one where you'd tip your head back and dimples would be indented into your cheeks and your laugh would come out so musical that it in itself was a song. The way I would sometimes wake up and hear you singing in the shower in that husky morning voice of yours which I can never get out of my head, no matter how hard I try. The thing is, I could pick out your footsteps in a crowd of a thousand, your sneeze in a room full of people with colds. The way you fiddled with the car keys and they jingled in that way that only you could make, and what I miss the most is the sound of your breathing. But now your gone and so is the noise. The silence scares me because it screams the truth, that you're gone. People say that silence is beautiful but it's not. Have you ever listened to silence? Because although there's no noise, there is. There's this constant ringing in your ears that just won't go away and you can't block it out no matter how hard you try because that is the sound of silence, emptiness. People always say 'enjoy the music' but they never say 'enjoy the silence' do they? Silence makes me think Harry, and when I think, I feel and I don't want to feel. I really don't want to feel. I've never heard silence quite this Loud. 

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx


	19. 19

Dear Harry, 

I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror today. Of course I have been looking in the mirror everyday but only to shave. Today I really looked at myself.  
I thought It was you Harry. My hair is long, almost longer than yours. It's not curly though of course. I knew it was long but I haven't got round to getting it cut. Lou is in town but I can't ask her. It brings back too many memories. Memories hurt Harry. This morning my hair was in my face so I ripped up an old shirt and wrapped it round my head so it held my hair back like you used to do, or still do, I wouldn't know. I don't know when I started wearing your clothes. Today I have a pair of your jeans on. The black skinny ones with the rips. They're too long of course, you were always taller than me. I had to roll them at the ankle. I've got your Ramones tshirt on too. Harry, there's no more of your clothes randomly in my bedroom anymore. I can't roll over in bed and find one of your socks under the pillow because there's none left. I've found everything that you left and it's now hidden in my wardrobe. I know that's not healthy and it won't help me to move on but I need something to remind me that you were here and not some crazy dream I thought up. Anyway when I saw myself I froze my eyes blurred and I could only see the blurry outline of my body in the mirror. That made it worse as it was easier to pretend it was you. Today was the first time I've cried in a week. You made me better Harry. Before I met you I was alone, well not alone but I didn't talk to anyone the way I talked to you. You helped me open up, you taught me how to love. And I'm so great full for that but do you see now? This was the whole reason I didn't open up and love in the first place because when it goes wrong it's agony. I guess even if I can't see you, I can still see you in myself. 

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis  
Xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the slow update but I went to see One Direction at wembley stadium so was too excited and tired to write xx


	20. 20

Dear Harry,

It's your birthday, well I guess you already know that. How am I supposed to go through today without being there with you? I can't be there with you but if you close your eyes and picture this it'll hopefully feel as if I'm there, even for just a moment.   
I'd wake up, preferably beside you and kiss your forehead before rushing out before you woke up. I'd come back with some freshly made pancakes and coffee for you, tea for me because the last time I tired to make them for you they ended up black. You remember that? You ate them anyway, silently. When you finished I burst out laughing, you started choking and laughing too because they were the worst pancakes you'd ever eaten. Anyway, I'd gently wake you up, murmuring a Happy birthday and we'd eat breakfast together. After giving you your present which would be something special because you deserve the world, we'd get up and go out somewhere with the boys for the day, do something fun, paint balling or walking on water like we did in our 'Live While we're young' video all those years ago. Then we'd drive for a few hours, listening to our favourite songs, the windows down even though it's freezing, driving to your mums. The rest of your family would be there and we'd have a party, laughing and joking about everything. Then when everyone's exhausted and a little drunk we'd climb out of your top bedroom window and lay out a blanket on the roof, whilst they all sleep in the house below us. We'd look at the stars because you always loved them, trying to count them but getting different numbers each time. Then I'd pull out a small cupcake with a candle pushed in the top. I'd whisper "make a wish" because that was our tradition. And you'd frown and say "but I already have everything I could ever want" like you said every year but then you'd close your eyes and blow out the candle. We would then lay back down, holding each other close in the cool nights air and fall asleep under the stars, chests and foreheads pressed together.   
Sometimes when I miss you so much that I can't breath, I put on an old song and if I close my eyes, listen to your voice, it melts the miles away.  
Please don't forget to make a wish, Haz. 

I'm sorry Harry  
Yours sincerely Louis   
Xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for the long wait! I've been concentrating on my other fic. I may double update because I've been so slow at updating. Sorry again. Xx


	21. 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sorry but I'm not that interested in this fic anymore I wasn't sure that anyone was even reading it but I'm sorry to those who are. Any way here is a small update until I get into it again xxx

Dear Harry,  
My Hazza, Harry McHazza Muffin. Sorry I'm a little drunk. Doesn't make me miss you any less though, there's still a gaping hole in my chest. I'll never be the same without you. I'm not me when I'm not with you. I promised you once that I would catch you a star and don't worry because I plan on keeping that promise. Just wait, one day I'll bring you back that star. The brightest one there is. The one that everyone looks up to and makes the deepest wishes ever imaginable on. I was at our local, the pub we used to get drunk in together. I kept looking for you in the crowd, couldn't help it, because you were the person I wanted to see but you weren't there. I've tried to put my life back together, the boys aren't as worried about me anymore, I've pretended that I've finally moved on and everything seems ok. That is until I check my puzzle piece heart and realise that a piece of me is missing and that that piece is you. 

I'm sorry Harry   
Yours sincerely Louis   
Xx


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